


A kiss to break up

by Tillymint



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-24
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-08-28 15:26:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16726002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tillymint/pseuds/Tillymint
Summary: Looking at what happens after Serena kisses Leah





	1. Chapter 1

The room looked eerily dark, there seemed to be nobody around, no sounds, hardly any light as Serena slipped into her office after a mammoth surgery. She threw her paper work down on the desk and noticed and envelope sat on her chair. She recognised the writing, it was Bernie’s. Oh Bernie, she had returned yesterday and as she opened the office door to surprise her girlfriend she instead walked into a conversation between her girlfriend and Leah talking about their shared kiss. Serena, would never and could never forget the look of hurt on her face. She hadn’t been able to get hold of her after she left the office, Bernie as usual was super fit and could move so fast. She had tried her mobile, straight to voice mail, her messages were never returned.   
She sighed and sat holding the letter before opening it. 

Serena,   
I have started this so many times but I think I know have what I want to see right in my head. I am struggling to look at you at the moment hence me putting my words down on paper. After everything we have had to deal with, I am heartbroken that you kissed someone else. Perhaps this is still my punishment for running off to Kiev although everything we have been through since then I would have thought I’d paid my debt off. I understand why you needed to find yourself after Elinor died and I wish more than anything that I could have taken away that pain for you but you managed to come back to me and oh, we were so happy, but then the hospital called and you were needed elsewhere, I know I encouraged you to go, but in reality you didn’t need any, you would have hopped on that plane and returned straight away it just so happened that I was with you when you got the call so you felt you had to justify yourself to me and you didn’t. I came back for you, again, but you weren’t ready once again, you wanted to stay and you knew I couldn’t. I was prepared to walk away, in fact, you told me to. You knew in your heart that’s not what I wanted or you for that matter, you asked me to wait for you. I said I would wait and eternity and I meant it. But you couldn’t. How could you kiss someone else? My heart feels broken at the minute, I don’t want to hear it was only a kiss either. The intention and thought of you wanting someone else was there and you acted on it. I love you Serena, but I am not sure I can forgive this. I need time and space, which is something we are going to find difficult. I wanted to surprise you but I was the one that ended up surprised. Hansen called after the issues with Gaskell, he wanted to strengthen the team again, I am back for three months, he thought it would be great for me to come back and work with you, I was so happy with the idea, honestly, not so much now. For now Serena, I cant work with you, it has been arranged that we work different shifts and Jason has said I can stay with him and Greta until I find somewhere. Not sure how to sign this off so for now, just B.


	2. Chapter 2

Serena held onto the letter so tightly she didn’t realise she had crumpled it up. She stood up and slammed the door, reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone. 

Got your letter, did you not even have the decency to wait until I was out of surgery, so we could speak? I am so angry with you, once again rather than confront things head on, you dropped off a letter and ran away. I must say Berenice, I think you are over reacting. It was a kiss. One kiss. One simple kiss, I know I shouldn’t have but there was a moment, I was missing you and it happened. I wish it hadn’t, but it did. It is not about punishing you, I don’t believe that I have ever punished you, you needed to do what you wanted, and you did. I forgave you for going to Kiev, you should show me the same curtesy or at least have the decency to meet me to talk about it. Do you ever stop to think how difficult it is for me? I am back here where my daughter died, without you. You ran off again to Nairobi and I don’t want to hear that I should have come with you. That was your dream, I was just going along with it. I wanted us both to stay here, to create a life together, with Jason, Greta and their baby, your kids are here too, why should we leave them and move half way across the world? This thing with Leah, happened Bernie, I can’t change that and unless you can move past it, then I’m not sure what else I can say. 

Serena sat staring at her phone, looking at what she had written, she was tempted to erase it all and just send, we need to talk. She looked at her desk, the picture she had brought back from her sabbatical of her and Bernie and she felt a pang of hurt. How dare Bernie make her feel bad. She was the one that had hurt Serena before, she had left the hospital without letting her tell her how she felt. She had ignored every call and text she had not been there for Serena at all. Even when she returned, they had had little quality time together, after Elinor died and then her sabbatical, then back to the hospital. In her mind Bernie was not there to offer her support. She had needed her the night she kissed Leah, Leah had been there in more ways than Bernie had for a long time and it felt right in the moment, she felt needed and she needed it. How dare Bernie make her resent that feeling. She pressed send and threw her phone across the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would anyone like it to carry on?


	3. Chapter 3

Bernie heard her phone beep on the nightstand next to her but she didn’t have the energy to turn over and read the message, she knew Serena would have read her letter by now and in all honesty she didn’t want to see the reply. Instead she closed her eyes and tried to sleep, no luck though, thoughts raced through her mind. Thoughts of her past with Serena, what usually came next was thoughts of their future however tonight was different, she couldn’t see her future, not with Serena. 

She sighed as she turned over and picked up her phone. She knew what the tone of her message would be and she was right. Serena was angry and had lashed out. Bernie sighed she wanted to have received a different message, she wanted to be told that she was sorry instead she was given the blame. 

Bernie sat contemplating what to do next, she was angry and hurt and needed to let off steam. She pulled on her running gear and headed out. Despite it being the middle of the night she ran for five miles without really breaking a sweat. Her thoughts constantly racing, the anger not subsiding. Before she knew it she was outside a familiar door her finger pressing the bell. It was only then she looked at her watch, three o’clock. The door opened, Ric stood there looking half asleep. 

“Bernie, what are you doing, is everything ok?” Ric asked sounding anxious. 

“Ric I’m sorry, I don’t even know how I got here, I was just running and next thing I knew I was here.”

“Well, you might as well come in, I’m freezing stood here” 

Ric opened the door and ushered Bernie in. She didn’t need telling twice, she headed inside, appreciating the invite. He had been expecting it, Serena had been different recently, even he had picked up on it. What he didn’t expect was Bernie turning up at his door at three in the morning. 

The pair spent the next three hours catching up, although majority of the time was Bernie discussing Serena, her anger apparent and not subsiding. 

“I’m sorry Ric, I didn’t mean to gate crash your sleep, I should probably go and figure out what to do next, there’s a lot to consider.”

Ric nodded, he knew exactly what she was talking about, he urged her to talk to Serena, she needed to know. Bernie just gave a half smile as she headed to the door. 

“Thanks Ric” she said pulling the door too behind her. He was right, she needed to speak to Serena, face to face, she had something that she needed to know, something that would effect their future, that was the whole reason she came home. She pulled out her phone and dialled the familiar number of Serenas, the phone continued to ring and straight to voice mail, Bernie put the phone down and tried again, wasn’t sure if Serena was ignoring the calls or missed it, she gave it another ring just in case, still nothing. Bernie grew angry at this, imagining Serena with Leah, as soon as the voicemail said leave a message she spoke. 

“Serena, we need to talk and seeing as you won’t answer the phone to me, I have no option but to leave this. I want to be honest. It feels like we are at the beginning again, we are strangers now just like at the beginning looking back now I’m not sure we were ever anything but now. I feel that I have wanted you since I first saw you but I feel that I get nothing back in return. I feel that I have tried to move us forward yet you are standing still putting barriers in the way. I would be anything for you but I don’t think you feel the same. You are in my thoughts all the time but I don’t think that I am in yours at all. I wanted you Serena but I don’t think you ever really wanted me, I think you craved something new and different and I think being with me has opened your eyes to who you are. I think this leads me to the reason why I came back, I had been offered another tour in the Army, I came to tell you that I turned it down, that I came back here to be with you but I can’t do that now. I called them earlier, told them I would be joining them. I think your reply to my letter told me everything I needed to know. I’ve become irrelevant to you and without me you will be fine. I think I got use to being defined by us, I wanted to make you happy and I think in that time I forgot myself, I appreciated your excellence but I forgot my own, I don’t expect you to even notice that I am gone. So I guess this is goodbye Serena.   
She hung up the phone and suddenly felt a huge relief. Her mind was made up, she was heading back to the Army and nothing could stop her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapters will be longer from now on, finally know where I want this to go.


	4. Chapter 4

Serena listened to the message for the tenth time. The words cut like a knife, how had she made Bernie feel like that. She listened closely to the words and hated to admit it but Bernie was right, Serena had taken a step back. She had not wanted to lose anyone again after Elinor and here she was pushing the love of her life away, her soul mate, the woman she wanted to marry. Her heart sank. She picked up her phone, dialled the number she seemed to use a lot these days. 

“RIC! I NEED TO SEE YOU!” Serena shouted down the phone. 

In his usual calm voice Ric simply replied, “Bernie?, you two have so much in common, why can’t you have problems at normal times of the day, instead of early hours of the morning”

It was only then Serena glanced down at her watch, she hadn’t released that she had spent the evening listening to the message on repeat and thinking about everything that had happened. 

“Sorry Ric, but it can’t wait” Serena said with panic in her voice. 

“I know, I’m on my way” Ric said, Serena could here him grabbing his keys off the side, “be with you in ten” 

Serena sighed. How could she have been so stupid, why had she been tempted by Leah. She couldn’t deny she was attractive but she didn’t make her heart beat like Bernie but her she was breaking her heart. Serena had done that. Something she promised she never would but she had done it so easily and now she had a message saying she was going back to the Army. The thought of that terrified Serena, Bernie had been lucky after her last accident in the Army, who knows if she would be that lucky again. 

Suddenly a knock on the door brought Serena out of her thoughts. She didn’t need to get up, she knew Ric would just walk in and she was right. He didn’t say anything initially just walked towards Serena and offered her a hug. 

“I’ve messed up, really badly” was all she could manage between sobs. 

Ric nodded his reply, something that took Serena by surprise but she knew he was right. She had messed up and it was all her fault. 

“She’s leaving Ric and I don’t think I can cope” 

It was then Serena already knew he knew. She could see it in his eyes. “She told me a few weeks ago” Ric started but was cut off by Serena. 

“You knew and didn’t say anything?!” Serena barked at him.

“Don’t shout at me, there was a reason why I didn’t say anything and I still can’t, I must admit Serena I didn’t think I would need to tell you not to cheat. I thought she might have meant more than that to you. You put her through hell since Elinor died and she has always been there to support her and you do this to her. She didn’t deserve it.” Ric said a little snappy, he looked a little taken aback with what came out of his mouth. 

Serena shot him a look. “What do you mean you still can’t” was all she asked. 

“After everything I said that’s all you have to say?” Ric said. “Serena, sometimes you are your own worst enemy. You need to talk to her. Although I am not sure she wants to see you.”

Serena could feel the temperature rising in her face. She was angry, but not with Bernie and not with Ric, with herself, she had put herself in this position and now risked losing Bernie. 

Serena just sat there not really knowing what to do. “Tell her you will meet her, text her, ring her but you need to see her” Ric said. 

A large knock rang on the front door, “expecting company?” Ric asked. 

“Not planned on any, its too early” Serena said still noticing it was still very early morning. 

“I’ll go” Ric said. “You stay here” 

Serena nodded and let Ric walk a few paces in front and then followed, she wanted to stay close in case it was anything he needed help with. 

As he opened the door he noticed that there was nobody there but Serena had looked past him and noticed there was a box on the floor. Addressed to her. She recognised the writing straight away. Bernies. 

Ric bent down and picked up the box, for some reason he didn’t look surprised. He set it down on the side table and observed Serena’s reaction, she looked a mix of emotions, happiness and sadness tinged with guilt. She went to touch the box but Ric held out his hand to stop her. She looked hurt. 

“Serena, you can’t open it. I need to speak to Bernie first” Ric said.

“But it is addressed to me” Serena said “and I want to know what’s in it” 

“I know, but I am not sure Bernie wants you to now, this was sent weeks ago, I need to ring her” Ric said with authority as he took out his phone.

“Bernie, I’m with Serena, no please don’t hang up…I haven’t said anything….I promised you I wouldn’t….don’t worry about why I’m here, it’s the same reason you came to see me at three in the morning….anyway, there was a package delivered and I wanted to check if you wanted her to open it or not…….i understand, I will see you later on……take care Bernie” 

“Well?” Serena asked. 

“I am taking it with me. She said what is in it no longer stands and any other boxes or packages you get please ignore. She is trying to get them stopped or intercepted but not sure how successful she will be. Please don’t ignore her Serena, if you want to get past this then listen to her, don’t ruin the best chance of happiness you have ever had just because you want to open a box” Ric said with a serious tone, Serena disliked that she knew he was right. 

Serena nodded, “shall I make the spare room up, seeing the time?” 

Ric looked at his watch, there was no point in going home now, he might as well crash at Serena’s and head home tomorrow. He made sure he took the box with him, as mush as he loved Serena he didn’t trust her not to open the box. 

After the spare room was made and Ric had gone to bed for a couple of hours, Serena sat on the edge of her bed, looking at her photo of Bernie and realised how much her heart ached for her. She picked up her phone and rang Bernies number, there was no answer and for some reason she had taken her voice mail off. She tried again, still the same, no answer. She tried with holding the number but still no luck. She didn’t want to text, she needed Bernie to hear her voice. She had an idea, voice message.. ”Bernie, please listen, before I met you I feel like my life was just a story with no ending, it was waiting to be told. I never expected to find you and want a life with you, we have been through more hardship than I care to think about, we were told that our hearts were wrong to love each other but they were wrong. Loving you is the most fulfilling feeling I have ever had. I know what I did and I can never justify why I did, I will spend my life saying sorry to you. You showed me feelings I have never felt before, feelings that people told me I shouldn’t have but with defied the odd and we flourished. My heart growing with pride and love for you more and more each day. There is no excuse, I have no excuse. What I know Berenice Wolfe is that my heart is only complete with you by my side. I miss you sweetie and I love you. Please, I need to see you, you once told me you’d wait eternity for me, I will wait until you are ready and I will always believe” Serena pressed send through her sobs, her heart feeling like it was actually breaking, how could she have been so silly. Bernie was her life, she didn’t want that to end or change.


	5. Chapter 5

Two days had past since Serena had left Bernie a voice message, she knew she was hurting but thought she might have got a reply. She had heard from her friends at the hospital that Bernie had visited friends there which gave Serena a little bit of relief. She missed her terribly. As she got ready for work, all she could think about was hoping Bernie would be there, that she would have to talk to her.   
It didn’t take long for Serena to get ready and head into work, everywhere she looked there was memories of Bernie, at one point she thought she heard that infectious laugh of hers however the owner of that laugh wasn’t her. 

Heading onto the ward the usual madness already starting, Serena thought back to a time where she would have loved this, when the trauma centre was open, hers and Bernie’s, theirs, now her she was all alone on a busy ward with no one. 

“Serena, are we glad to see you, although thought you and Ms Wolfe would have been spending time together” came the familiar tones of Donna.   
Serena suddenly flustered gave and awkward smile and headed into her office, closing the door behind her. After a minute to compose herself she headed onto the ward, ready to face whatever the day had to throw at her. She spent all day looking for Bernie, seeing if she would pop into the ward, say hello to old faces but no luck. 

Serena spent the last hour of her shift sat at the nurses station, not really concentrating on her work, more in her own little world watching the world pass her by. Suddenly the phone on the desk rang. 

“AAU” Serena said with a start.

“Drink?” came the reply on the other line “and don’t tell me you are too busy, I’ve spent the last five minutes watching you do nothing” 

Serena looked up in the direction of the voice that she could hear on the phone as well as next to her. Ric. Serena had wanted it to have been Bernie and Ric appeared to sense that.

“I haven’t seen her Serena, she hasn’t returned my call either” 

She nodded as she put down the phone. “Drink would be good, drinks though would be excellent” she said with a half hearted wink. Ric did his best to laugh but could sense the feeling just wasn’t there.   
Serena grabbed her coat from the office, looked at the lock screen on her phone and threw it in her bag. Ric was by her side in seconds, “ready?” he asked holding his arm out. Serena linked through as they started to walk the short distance to Albies. 

As they got in ear shot they could hear the noise of the pub, it sounding like a busy one, Serena was unsure if she wanted to go into until she heard the familiar sound of Bernies laugh, there was no stopping Serena at that point, she almost ran through the door. He eyes quickly searching for Bernie, it took less than a second before her eyes settled on her. Sat there, looking perfect, with Dom. Looking happy, happier than Serena had seen her in ages. Bernie didn’t even look up even when Dom appeared to point. She just shook her head and downed anything drink. Serena took a step forward before Ric placed his hand on her arm at the same time Dom held up his arm as if to warn Serena to stop. 

She listened, she allowed herself to be steered to the other side of the room. Ordering a drink, she never once took her eyes off Bernie. “ 

“Is she still looking?” Bernie asked Dom. 

“Still looking, she’s not taken her eyes off you at all. You really should speak to her, although we have been in here for ages and drank, erm, not sure how much.” Dom said slurring his words slightly.  
Bernie shook her head with a bit too much force. “No, she cheated. She kissed someone. She said she loved me and broke my heart” Bernie almost shouted, it was certainly loud enough for Serena to hear across the other side of the room. She suddenly felt like she had been punched in the stomach.

“Serena, let it go” Ric said sensing her tense up. 

Serena tried to breathe, “I know what she’s trying to do. I deserve it. I know” 

“You’ve got to stop being so hard on yourself, you made a mistake it’s what you do now that matters”

“Come on Bernie, I think you’ve had enough.” Dom said standing and reaching his hand down. 

“I want another drink, Dom, come on, why should she spoil my night. After everything, you are now telling me I can’t have another drink” 

Serena stood up. “Sit back down!” Bernie shouted, tears building in her eyes. “You don’t get to tell me anymore, you don’t get to care” 

Serena opened her mouth to reply but had no chance, Bernie was up and out of there so quickly.

“She didn’t mean it” Dom said to Serena. 

She smiled although wasn’t a convincing one. “I will go and find her, she’s drank too much to be on her own” Dom said.

“Thank you” Serena mouthed at him.

He nodded as he left. The cold air hitting him as soon as he left, taking his breath away. He looked round, he couldn’t see her. 

“Bernie?” he shouted. 

No response. She couldn’t have got far, he grabbed his phone and punched in her number, the phone rang, it took him a second to realise that he could hear her ringtone. He followed the sound and found Bernie’s mobile laying on the floor, the picture of Serena still on her lock screen. 

“Bernie?” Dom shouted with more panic in his voice “this isn’t funny, where are you?” He was more frantic now. 

He spent the next ten minutes wandering around, shouting her name but no response, he looked at her phone, the picture of Serena, he knew he needed to tell her. He ran back into the bar.

“Serena” he shouted out of breath, panic etched on his face. “She’s gone! I came out and she’s vanished”

She will have headed home, you know how independent she is” Serena said trying to convince herself. 

“No, Serena, I found her mobile, on the floor, I don’t know where she is. She was in no state to be on her own.” 

Serena felt her world fall apart for the second time. Bernie, her Bernie was missing. Her world suddenly went black as she collapsed onto the floor, an image of Bernie needing her flooding her mind.


End file.
